Sitting at Heathrow waiting for my flight home. Home to my family, my friends, my comfort zone, my home ……… my life.
The last few days have seen me vacillating from one extreme to the other and the decision to be sitting here in the hustle and bustle of Heathrow Airport was not an easy one. I do not see myself as a quitter and this feeling of disappointment in myself for not being able to see this venture to its end, is weighing on my heavily. I really believed in my heart that I would be able to do this and I have come up wanting.
A motto in life that I try my best to live by and my children know it off by heart, is “If you are going to do a job, do it properly, or don’t do it at all.” I have done this job properly and have given it my best, and the care I have given has been exemplary. It has also truly humbled me to learn that I am not up to the task. In the past when I have heard that someone has taken up caring, my initial thought was, quite a cushy job and anyone can do that – how wrong could I have been, this requires true dedication and a selflessness that I do not have – but in saying that it does not make me a bad person.
However I may be conquered, but I am not defeated, it has just made me more determined to succeed elsewhere. This journey over the past month has taught me so much, about my self and that I can still use my brain with the intense training we had to undergo. I am having to cut my losses which is costing a bit financially, but I am coming out of the experience richer in so many ways and some amazing people have crossed my path who I know I will be able to call friends for life.
I do feel like I am running home with my tail between my legs and actually feel embarrassed by admitting defeat … but its back to my home to Plan B and we only learn by our mistakes. Counting the hours till I see my family again and back to the craziness of South Africa – a place that I call home.