When you feel guilty even though you know you have done nothing wrong

I am not sure if it is just human nature and if everyone feels the same way or not, but what is that whenever I go through customs, airport security or even going through a speed trap I feel guilty, even though I know that I have done nothing wrong.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you get pulled over by the traffic cops.  It can’t be conscience as I have done nothing wrong and anally obey all the road rules.

But it is at the airport that this feeling really rears its ugly head – Every! Single! Time!  I consider myself a seasoned traveller and know exactly what I can or can’t take on board with me, the size and weight allowance of my hand luggage. Maybe it is that I have been profiled (not exactly sure what for) a few times on international flights and have been pulled aside to get searched more thoroughly, my hands dusted for reside of who knows what and all my electronic devices scanned under infra red lights – searching for residue again of who knows what.  I don’t think I look like a user or a drug mule of any type.  But my heart goes into my mouth each time – but I know that no one else has packed my bags for me and I am innocent.  So what am I scared they will find??

Also going through customs, I am legally allowed to travel on 2 passports (thank heavens – or actually thank you dad), but I have this sense of guilt when I swap my passports out after clearing SA customs.  Is it the inbred catholic upbringing and schooling where you are taught the wrath of god will come down on you for stepping out of line in any way?  Do others feel the same way?


When you can’t see the wood for the trees

Wow – 2020 certainly has started off in everyone’s faces.

The pope slapping a believer, Trump starting WWIII, Australia is burning, another attack in Paris, mysterious disease in China killing hundreds, manhunt in Johannesburg for Melville killers and the swear word on South Africa “load shedding” taking place and it is only the 6th day of the year.

After having spent a few days with family on holiday where my brother-in-law is a conspiracy theorist – it got me thinking.  Are we all being fed news based on what big brother considers to be click bait for our own individual likes and dislikes. How do we get to see the wood through the trees. And ….. “Who is big brother?”  Around the dinner table with lots of friendly banter and frivolous conversation taking place, siri decided to have her two pennies worth with an answer to a question – without being asked!!!!. My phone had not been used or touched when she gave her opinion.  So who is listening and why?   and how? ……….

For me personally it doesn’t really bother me as my life is an open book and if someone wants to know where I am or what I am doing, it is really not that important in the bigger scheme of things as I have nothing to hide.  But how much of this information is being used to persuade us to think and behave in certain ways.  I remember many years back hearing how Coca Cola had paid to have nano second flashes of adverts in the middle of shows to subliminally persuade us to buy their product – whether this was true or not I don’t know. So what can we believe in the media that is force fed to us on a daily basis – what is true, what is not, who is telling the truth, who is lying.  How do we sort out the wood from the trees.

There is so much outrage at everything, so much anger, it seems that mankind is hell bent on destroying each other.  Me being the eternal optimist have believed that at the end of the day 95% of people, just want to have a roof over their head, food to eat, warm bed and a happy family. Which means that it is the 5% left that controls the world and all its oneupmanship, negativity and hatred. And “they” ( we always refer to them and they) are the ones who have an ulterior motive.

I want to tune out of this vicious cycle of negative news and energy. Driving in Johannesburg and complaining about the ever increasing number of potholes and the hazards it causes, my daughter commented, “at least our country is not on fire and our president hasn’t opened up a pandoras box in the Middle East, we can live with a few potholes”, which is true and I love her sentiment,  but what is happening in the world has an impact on all of us. I want to be able to see through all the bullshit, read between the lines. Working hard at trying to see the wood through the trees!

“…and Heaven have mercy on us all – Presbyterians and Pagans alike – for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.”
― Herman Melville – Moby Dick