A few weeks back I woke from one of the most disturbing dreams/nightmares I have ever had. One that lingered with me for days and still does. And one that I have been toying with about putting down on paper.
I dreamt I was standing atop this large circus tent, it was just getting dark, the world small at my feet. No one else around. The images are still vivid in my mind, the blue stripes of the tent, the feel of the wind on my face, the mugginess in the air. And then I launched myself, not to fly (which is the most awesome dream ever), but intent on taking my own life.
I landed spreadeagled face down in a pile of soft warm mud. Lying there with darkness all around, and slowly realised that I was not dead. I could move my hands and my feet, so I must be alive and with that, took the deepest breath sucking mud into my lungs and woke up gasping with my mouth parched and almost tasting the mud.
Now I ask – Why??? I do not and have never had any suicidal thoughts. Even after my Nigel took his own life and I was at the depths of despair myself. Whenever discussing dreams with people and they tell you about a really bad dream, the go to phrase is don’t worry “Dreams are always opposite” I have done quite a bit of googling and the results are equally disturbing – I certainly don’t think I have a feeling of worthlessness. Maybe it is all the change currently going on in my life and my mind. Maybe I am still grieving for days gone by. One reference quote below.
“A suicide dream could mean that you have been thinking “I have no reason to live.” But equally it could be your minds way of saying “Why be so gloomy. You have so much to live for.” A dream symbol shows that certain themes might be relevant in your life right now – a suicide dream may deal with the theme gloominess versus none gloominess.”
So I am going to hang onto the dreams are opposite belief, and my normal positive outlook on life and try and take good out of the dream. I am very much alive and have so much more life to live and going to make the most of every minute still on this planet.
When you hear people discussing depression and suicide and they say the best therapy is to talk about it. So this is my therapy to put this down on paper and get this really disturbing dream out of my mind.
Photo courtesy – www. fromthegrapevine.com